Here's a little history. I used to be a heavy girl. A big girl. Most my life I've been larger than the average gal kind of girl. When I hit puberty I went from Size 14 girls to a ladies Size 11. I'm really not sure how that works. No matter I was big. Bigger. When everyone was average size or skinny. Now I'm average, yet no one knows what that looks like anymore. So I get called skinny, or get worried comments from well intentioned friends concerning my weight loss. My heaviest was 195 lbs in my mid twenties. The past 10 years I've been slowly chipping it away. With adjusting our diet over the years, and adding more movement. I now fluctuate at 125-130lbs in a month. It's a good weight for my frame, and now I'm trying to build back some muscle I lost during the last incubation period of 9 months with Cooper..Baby making after 35 is a nasty thing to do to the female body. It takes WAY more effort to fix this shit. I don't have a plastic surgeon or insurance to help with this effort. So it's all me and my new home away, Bambusa, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and a little MMA is helping me reach the finish line. It's getting closer!
I guess this is where the story starts! So, when I was growing up I always thought I'd be heavy because my Adoptive Parents were heavy. The whole family was larger. My Dads family with their thick Giant German stock. My Moms side, the Soft Spaniards were on a smaller scale, but they still carried some extra weight as well. This is what I was mirrored my entire life and was led to believe that this was in my future as well. For some reason when we finally moved apart was when I started to notice I was dropping weight. It wasn't til a visit to their new home in Brunei did I realize what it was, living with them made me sad. Unfortunately it seems that while I was separated physically and emotionally from my parents, I felt almost OK. Maybe I'm not so....? Didn't know what yet? I took off with this new insight, my family was toxic. They made me sick. Since I wanted to stay happy and healthy I kept that ball rolling. So I started exercising and just kept working at losing my weight. It wasn't overnight, it took time. I took breaks from it, and maintained. I ended up around 145- 150lbs, I thought I looked good. Um so here's where I become Mary, and I fall into Wonderland. When I started to finally feel almost at peace with Emelin, new mom for the second time, confidant and excited about life. My dad tells me I'm adopted. I found out I was adopted at 36. Which brings me to the Late Discovery Adoptee Diet Plan. Holy Shit did I lose some weight. 30 lbs in one year! Including but not limited to a whole new host of physical ailments from bronchitis, pancreatitis, chronic inflammation, constipation, joint pain, jaw pain etc...When food becomes the enemy, it becomes pretty crazy trying to keep weight on. Here's my offer to anyone-you only need to ask. It's only cause I care. I can tell you your adopted and everyone else knew, I guarantee you will drop at least 20lbs. Now you might gain it back, if you don't act fast. It might turn out that the stuffing your face gene was really your biologicals. Not a habit acquired by your parents or now adoptive parents , f*ck, whoever they are. Who am I now? What the hell. I have a hard time focusing now. I think I should mention that. So act fast, and work with it. My big lesson, that brain is connected to that body. They both are talking to each other. So when something shakes your life up, pay attention to your body. It's speaking, sometimes it yells. Listen before it starts screaming, no likes sitting in a ER. Especially with GI symptoms. You might as well hand the Doctor a map of nowhere, and ask him to find nothing. That's what 3 days at Banner will get ya. I know, I know GI symptoms. It's some tricky shit trying to figure that mess out.
Speeding up four years later! Recently I finally realized I'm not BIG or HEAVY. It finally clicked in my head the other night. I'm a slow learner when it comes to myself, I've been this way for almost a year. Me laying on top of female who is heavier and trying to press my 130 lbs of MASS on her is not doing much. It's finally happened, my self image in my head finally matches whats actually there. I am now aware of my size. Or lack of it now.
I thank Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for this revelation and Bambusa MMA. Where I'm mostly surrounded by guys of different sizes and shapes. I only have a handful of ladies to roll with. So more often than not, I'm practicing with guys. Big Thanks to the Jew Bear. It was his words the other night that finally made it click in my head. Your small, she's bigger. You need to be fast.
My reality now? An adoptee who is absolutely addicted to BJJ. Interestingly enough, it seems to be more beneficial right now then Gestalt Therapy. Whatever, he's still "Practicing". He's Dr. B, my trusty confidant who listens to me cry or watches me squirm on a overstuffed couch. Because of all this, now comes some different challenges and some new experiences. As painful as it was to find out that I'm adopted when I was 36, I'm glad I know some of my truth and reality. In the process of writing this down, I've had the pleasure to roll with someone even tinier than tiny. What a great learning experience it's been. I understand how some of the larger guys must feel trying to roll with me. To be able to place someone where you want them is very powerful. For me a little scary! I feel anxious how much strength I'm using, especially with someone smaller. I don't really know how strong I am, I have a hard time gauging it. I've never used my strength for more than lifting children, boxes, weights, etc. Also I've never used force on a person. Spoons doesn't really count, and she was a whiny twenty something young lady with no pain tolerance. Focus. Anyways, running away in a sprint, see ya! With the BJJ? I dunno it seems hit or miss. Sometimes I feel myself tapping into it and pull it out. Other times it will surprise me, or not exist at all. I do think there might be hope for me! The MMA portion. With it's punches, strikes, kicks. It is an attempt to connect my feet to my upper body in a unfamiliar way. I don't know if it's helping but it's a way more fun work out than traditional cardio or a weight circuit at the gym. Thank you Ty and David you just might make me an athlete. A term no has ever used when referencing ME. Emelin has been called Creative, hippie, good dancer, bendy, strong legs are a few physical descripters. So Mary, my name on my original birth certificate. Ya see when you get adopted, the family that gets you gets to change who you are. In so many ways... How is this possible? My new family got an amended one that the court falsified that stated I was their genetic offspring. Now that I'm a grown up Emelin, I'm allowed to explore my new supposed to be self of "Mary". I'm getting to know this Mary and I think we can thank her for giving me the courage to even try Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and MMA. She's pretty cool.
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