Assholes and Ammo

 SO, I've recently started learning Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. 

For those who don't know, here is a brief description of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

SO WHAT IS JIU JITSU?  "It teaches that a smaller, weaker person can successfully defend against a bigger, stronger assailant by using leverage and proper technique—most notably by applying joint-locks and choke holds to defeat the other person..." 

The other night during class it was pointed out to me that I needed to think about what I was going to do to the person I was rolling with. This came from my Sensai Ty after some practice rolls. He told me he already knew what he was going to do to me, it was mapped out in his head. As expected, I tapped like a little biotch every time. I nodded my head in a "OK", intellectually I got it. I just wasn't sure how to do that...I've never thought through how I was going to physically harm someone. I'm not saying I haven't reacted physically, but premeditated? Anyways, I can honestly say I have never thought about what I was going to do. Stay safe have fun? 

Ok so need to plot out my attack. This is so foreign to me.

Which brings me here, writing a blog about an ASSHOLE. Who inadvertently taught me 2 life lessons I can't wait to implement. Not to mention some in site as to why I am who I am. I think I understand the plan of attack. I stayed awake for hours thinking about it. In fact I'm grinning as I type. Which really kind of scares me. I have a friend, a very sweet good person, who married her high school sweetheart. Asshole. For writing purposes I'll use that name for her husband. It's not a nick name. Not at all, that would imply some kind of term of endearment for the individual. ASSHOLE thinks it's OK to call his beautiful innocent daughters little bitches, kick the four yr old in the stomach because your being called out on your ASSHOLE awesome parenting skills. Which come to find out doesn't fall far from the genetic tree. What a sweet Granny she is...Poor thing, she's had a stroke, can't help herself...so how does she treat her beautiful sweet innocent grand babies..."come here cutey patooty grand baby. Did I get to tell you today what a little bitch you are, oh don't cry sweety, let me slap those tears off your cheeks."

Asshole figures he can "off" this family and start over. He thinks he can make more bitches with a better bitch. 

Which brings me to my game plan. I thought about this long and hard last night. I cried almost constantly. It was primal, It was death. It was grief. Those gut wrenching sobs, that shake your body. I was afraid I was going to wake Jason. Thankfully he was able to sleep through it. I found myself feeling calm and breathing steady after I started trying to determine which body part on me is the most lethal. What will inflict the most pain? I ran through all the the jitsu skills I had, which didn't take me long at all ;-)) My legs, they are strong. BUT, do I really want to give him the pleasure of being between my thighs. AW hell NO. So no Jit's, that leaves me with only one other skill that shows some promise. I've only practiced on the bags, yet it never leaves me unsatisfied. Kneeing the bag. Tonight the bag would be ASSHOLES head, face square on my knee. 

Felt perfect as I finally drifted off into a violent night of slumber. I guess when you're asleep you can't engage the disconnect button. My jaw needed to be pried open when I woke up. I was not rested.

In a perfect world ASSHOLE would get help. I wish he will...until than I can only be there for my friend. Open my house and arms to her and her babies. Someplace safe. 

Which brings me to my other lesson. It isn't in my nature to harm or overtake a smaller weaker individual. It is to protect that less fortunate or less capable person. The person who is in crisis, who can't lift themselves up. Those who have no defense or fight left. Today I was asked why I didn't make another person in my class tap during our practice. I know I can. I just hold myself back from doing it. I know she is weaker physically, it wouldn't be that hard. She usually invites me to do it by giving me a body part. It's not a fun game. I realised I don't feel good beating someone who is weaker or less capable. It feels meanspirited to me, I'm not a bully. I have no reference for it, but I think I would feel proud of an honest accomplishment. Beating someone who is my equal in someway. Then I would really feel AWESOME. 

So what I gleaned most from this. I can be a loving kind protective momma bear who will kill an ASSHOLE if it needs to get done. I can also tap out my weaker partner without WWE slamming strength. I just need more practice controlling these new limbs I'm learning about. Using my strength isn't new, but using my strength with a plan of attack is. It's a new piece to my puzzle of who is Mary(Emelin), I'm not sure where it will take me. Also unless I figure out my game plan, I'll never tap anyone out.