Puppies and Hearts

Skittle Shits, and Rainbow Farts. Seriously. Sigh, this is how my adoptive mother would like to see me. I'm afraid I can't participate in her charade in how she would like her daughter to be. I never did a good enough job even when I tried. So finally you kind of have to take a look at that and think what the fuck am I doing. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be, but I sure as hell don't want to be a self absorbed selfish old woman. Why the tirade? I'll tell you why. The story begins at the end of my oldest son coming home from a visit with the Grandparents in Spain. Amazing gift, yes I agree. He had a good time, and we were more than happy to have him home safe with a big grin on his handsome face. Son One was unpacking some gifts that he brought back. My mom always likes to buy me clothes. It would be nice if she actually payed any attention to the people around her and what they might actually wear. Instead she will just buy what she wants to see you wear. It's insulting. After 39 years she still wants to dress me up and design me into the daughter she never could physically give birth too.  Shortly after recieving my new digs I asked someone who has only met me a couple times if I looked like the type of woman who would wear a white t-shirt with little plaid scotties with faux crystal bedazzelled embellishent for eyes. That was the first shirt. Second shirt was also white ;-) however this one had a heart cut out of black polka dotted chiffon with a ruffle accent around the heart itself. The accent was a little crazy with it's stripes instead of dot pattern. Let me not forget the hot pink peddle pushers in a shiny sateen style cotton. I'll admit they did give my waistline a cute retro pin up look. (I'll be dyeing them, along with some hawian style board shorts my husband was grateful for but...) I'll save you from having to go back to my profile to check my age. I'm a very young 39. It's just a number on a piece of paper to me. Now I know this can be said about a biological parent child relationship, but that's far from what I've been given. So in this familial dynamic it's just disappointing and a painful reminder. This is not my gene pool. Why they thought it was OK to lie about it I'll never understand. They didn't want my brother, their only biological child to be mean to me. If that was a concern and issue, I'd be thinking this purchase out a little more. I mean you can't return the "damaged" bargin bin baby, money exchanges hands its a done deal.
I didn't call myself "damaged". That is the term my Adoptive Dad likes to reference when he tells me the story of how they came to pick me up. I had some "birth damage", I'll have to get to that another day, cause thats a whole nother big can o' worms.

Nowadays people toss aside their families instead of fighting for them. People balked when they heard that an Adoptive Parent shirked her responsibilities by shipping her son back to Russia. It was too hard. WOW. We have become such an imbalanced society. We forget that this life is only about the relationships we share with others. All the outside distractions are just that, my job and material things isn't how I feel connected with my family or friends. It's my time spent in the moment just talking and laughing, crying, playing, being lazy, cleaning up, working out. I could keep going! So many of us give up on other people so quickly, instead of trying to compromise or try something different. It's too HARD. I geuss I'm trying to say some people seem to think that changing a part of your personality is near impossible, it's just who you are right. You see it in your siblings and parents. It's reinforced, this is just who you are. We'll it may sound strange to most people but I don't have that limitation. It is a blessing in someways, but it's very much a curse in the grand scheme of things. SO for example. I can decide, hum. I'm going to try to be this kind of person and see if that feels like it belongs to me. Nope, shit. I think I lost a friend. Crap stop, find fun Emelin. OK. There, patch that up hole up. Put the hats away in the closet for now. Keep using the new tools you've been using that do work.

So it boils down to this. My adoptive parents and brother will continue to live a life without joy or real love and connection. It will continue it's superficial monotonous routine of inactivity with a healthy diet of carbohydrates and ridiculous portions. Meanwhile complaining about how shitty they feel. Instead of continuously searching and striving to be the best people they can be.I should probably mention to my Adoptive Mom Thank You and PLEASE cease and desist. Stop shopping, save your money.


SO what,  I sound like an Ungrateful Bastard...